Life is a trade-off

May 7th (I think) 2007
Tulare, CA

Here I am in California, looking for work and visiting with family. And I've started to think about life. Not that I don't often think about life, but at this point I'm thinking about life, and trade-offs.

Arkansas is beautiful. Our property is beautiful. It's paid for, for heaven's sake. But...it's not home. Thought so, once upon a time. Hoped so, is probably more like it. But not really. Home is where family is. Home is where you remember the same things, and laugh at the same silly things from your childhood. Home is where you can sleep on a relative's couch for a month and not feel like you're wearing out your welcome.

California, though perhaps not as green as Arkansas, has its own beauty. I like it here; like sidewalks and people and the cultural diversity. Not real fond of the traffic, but hey...that's one of the trade-offs, isn't it?

Arkansas...beautiful, but isolated. Property paid for, but can't find work. Spiritual needs no longer being met...not without driving a distance.

California...more traffic, but better job opportunity. Housing more expensive, but neighbors close enough to have a relationship with. Family...family...family.

I learned in Maine that people are more important than place. I wonder if I just forgot that, or if we just had stars in our eyes when we moved to Arkansas. A community changes...but family is one thing you can count on. It's not that we haven't enjoyed our time here, but there have been times when I've been so lonely I could just die. And Christmases have been just plain awful. One hundred percent awful.

I just pray to God that I will find a job here so I can stay. I pray that every day. Every day. I'm willing to trade what we have in Arkansas...the beauty, the paid-for property...for California with its high gas prices and higher cost of living...and family. Every time.

Please, Lord...please.