View from a hotel room...

What? Is THIS the view from my hotel room? Unfortunately....no. What this is is the view of Prayer Lake, where I live. It's the wallpaper on my laptop and reminds me that home is not this hotel room, but my earthly home is here at Prayer Lake. My eternal home is in Heaven with Jesus Christ, of course, but for now, Prayer Lake is home.

The view from my hotel room window is snow, ice, and right now, freezing rain. I can hear the ping against the window, and my car is covered in ice and snow. The weather matches my mood...I'm cold, lonely, and a trifle homesick. I miss my husband, my dogs, my friends, my family, the ordinariness of my life.

In all fairness, this hotel room is quite cozy. I've been here well over a month and have another three weeks to go (at least). I am grateful, so very grateful, for the opportunity to work and make some money that will help get us out of debt. I'm grateful that Chip is doing so well with his chemo. I am one very blessed lady. And when I look out the window, through the prism of my loneliness, I see my blessings, and thank God for them.

I believe that nothing happens to us by mistake. Not the good, not the bad. Everything has a purpose in God's great plan for my life. He just doesn't always let me in on the plan. Sometimes I feel like I'm wandering around in a fog, crying: "God, I would be more than happy to do Your will, if You'd just tell me what it is!!!!" But it is the times when God seems silent that I sometimes learn the most about His grace, His mercy, and His love.

Through the prism of my loneliness, I've considered what lesson I'm meant to learn here. In my bleaker moments I think God is teaching me how to survive without my husband. And its very easy to go down that road and fall into despair. If he dies, what will I do? I'll have no income, no steady job. Will I have to leave this place I love? And if I don't leave, will I ever see my family again? You can see what sort of pain that particular line of thinking brings. So, even though I sometimes go down that road, I try to remember that Chip is NOT dead, that in fact he is doing amazingly well with his chemo, and when I get to go home on the weekends, he's still there, and he's alive, if not well, and that my life is really very, very good.

There is something to be said for attitude, in work and in life. It has been my experience that the most difficult people to work with are those who complain all the time. Attitude in the workplace makes all the difference in whether one wants to go work at all or not. I learn a lot about myself...that I like things done MY way, for one. And boy, is that a tough one for me. Of course, MY way is the BEST way - and if everybody did things my way everything would go a whole lot smoother. Talk about pride! And not the good kind, either....

Today is Sunday, and I'm listening to a church service on tv. But the show before was Joni and Friends, with Joni Earekson-Tada. She said something that I found so profound that I had to write it down: "God permits what He hates to accomplish that which He loves." I find that comforting somehow, if somewhat baffling. God permits cancer; God permits abuse; God permits terrorism, murder, abortion...in order to accomplish that which He loves. And what does God love? God IS love, and God loves that which honors Him. Kindness, comfort, joy, worship, unity, compassion, and so much more. And God loves you, and He loves me, and He loves every single person on this earth, past, present, and future.

God even permits us to hate Him, so that through His love, we might learn to love Him. And how does God show His love? Through you, through me, through the pets that we love, and through the beauty of nature. Everywhere I look, I see God. I look out of my hotel room window at the bleakness of the landscape, at the snow and ice, and how easy it would be to turn from it as ugly and a hinderance. Yet, I look closer. I see opportunity. I see the opportunity to be alone with the Lord. I see the opportunity to rest, to read, to quilt, to listen to God's word on tv and open the Bible and read His word for myself. In the snow itself I see moisture, which we need so badly. I see beauty in the icicles that hang from the lightpost, in the little mound of snow snuggled against the tire of my car, in the cries of the children out playing in the snow. God's love is made manifest even in the snowy and icy times of our lives.

When we first moved to Arkansas, it was because the community of Living Springs was absolutely in love with Jesus Christ. We wanted to be a part of that community. We loved the worship, the freedom in Christ that expressed itself in services that would sometimes last all day, and in the freedom to sing, play an instrument, dance, speak whatever the Lord put on your heart to speak. People were sometimes moved to tears in the love of the Lord. It was wonderful. And then satan slithered in and offered bondage in the form of elders, and structure, and worship teams, and the community bought the bondage, lock, stock and barrel. The community that we came to be a part of became little more than a Sunday church, and it broke my heart.

I still love the people in this community. They are some of the best people in the world, with hearts as big as all outdoors. They have been more than generous and have been there for my husband in his illness. I am very, very grateful for that. But, I've also discovered that politically and theologically, we don't agree. We all love the Lord, but about some pretty basic things, we just don't agree. I just can't worship there any more. Worship has become simply "church," and if I'm going to do "church," then I'm perfectly happy being an Episcopalian. At least there is no deceit there - an Episcopal service is planned, predictable, liturgical and very, very beautiful. I can serve the Lord there, at the altar, as lector, doing as much as I can living so far away. There are opportunities for me there that are no longer available to me at Living Springs. But I have to admit that it is with much sadness that I say that, because Living Springs offered so much promise when we first came.

Am I rambling? Maybe so, maybe so.... I haven't written in my journal in a long time, so maybe all this should be stuff that goes into my journal. But, for better or worse, here I am, warts and all. Disappointment, blessings, loneliness, sadness, but also gratitude for all the blessings God continues to shower into my life. Today, as I look out my hotel room window, I see snow and ice, and I'm grateful to be warm and dry and safe. I'm grateful that there is food in the fridge and I don't have to find a way to go out and eat. I'm grateful for this job that allows me to pay down some of this debt. I'm grateful that my husband is doing so well. I'm grateful for the love of family. I'm grateful for doggies that curl up under the covers with us at night. I'm grateful for property that is owned free-and-clear and no taxes to pay. I'm grateful for the peace and beauty of our land. I'm grateful for a car that works, and even for credit cards that help to keep it working. I'm grateful for veterinarians that keep my doggies healthy, and for oncologists that work so hard to keep my husband alive and kickin'. I'm grateful for family that loves me, even so far away. I'm grateful for friends that check in on us to be sure we're okay. I'm grateful for good books to read and quilts to make. But I'm especially grateful for the love of God, without Whom none of my blessings would mean a darn thing.

Well, I guess that's my ramblings for one day. May I just encourage you to look at the snowy and icy times of your life, and count your blessings too?

Love and Blessings, Phoenix

Home again, home again

Home again, Home again

It's quarter to 9:00 p.m. on Saturday night. I got home after a two week absence Friday night and will leave again tomorrow morning. I find myself thinking a lot about "home" and what exactly "home" means to me.

Home is the place where people (and doggies) are happy to see you, no matter how long you've been away. A day, a week (or two), a couple of hours. When you arrive home safely the ones who have been waiting for you heave a sigh of relief. Doggies (and hubbies) shower you with kisses, and want to be near you. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

Home is where you can kick off your shoes, spend most of the day in your jammies, and not bother to even comb your hair, and nobody cares, because you're home.

Home is where you can find your way to the bathroom without turning on the light.

Home is the place you feel safest, and trust the ones you share your home with. (Or should be, anyway)

Home is the place you can pray out loud, without feeling self-conscious.

Home is where TIVO has taped all your favorite shows.

Home is where your pictures are on the walls, your clothes are in the drawers, and the sheets smell like your fabric softener.

Home is the place you go when the world seems a cold and heartless place.

Home is milk and cookies and "how was your day?"

Home is the place that is waiting for you to arrive, so that it will really be "home."

Home is the place where you can cook a meal and know where all your spices are.

If home is where the heart is, then how many homes can one person have?

All I know is that no matter how long I'm away, my heart knows the difference between "home" and "not home." No matter how comfortable and cozy my hotel room is, it's not home.

I'm glad to be home for these few days. They are precious days, and even though I spend them doing the most mundane of things - laundry, sorting the mail, paying the bills, cooking dinner - these days are precious because I'm home, with my husband and my doggies and my friends.

Imagine then, that if we feel this way about our earthly home, and how much we may long for the comforts we find there, how much more should we long for our Heavenly Home? I don't know if there are streets of gold and angels resting on clouds playing harps. I have no idea what Heaven will be like, but I believe that deep within each of us is the longing for the place we can call Home. I think the longing to "go Home" is hard-wired into us, and no matter how comfortable we are here, we still have that longing for something Else, something Better. There is a God-shaped hole inside of our souls that only God can fill, and our earthly homes, no matter how good they are, is only a shadow of the Home that Christ has planned for us. Christ said that He has gone to prepare a place for us, and that in His Father's house are many mansions. One of those mansions is mine.... Will you be my neighbor?